Monday, January 5, 2009










25 things you learn by the time you reached middle age

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. 15. No one has ever been shot while doing the dishes.16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.23. When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste.24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.25. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.


Maxine’s Living Will

I, _________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.
Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn’t pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it.
Nor in the hands of lawyers/doctors who are interested simply in running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:
Bloody Mary
Scotch and soda
Vodka and Tonic
lobster or crab legs
the remote control
bowl of ice cream
the sports page
or sex
…it should be presumed that I won’t ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.
At this point, it is time to call a New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to come do their thing at my funeral and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had.
Signature: ________________________
Date: ____________________________
I also hear that in Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub. The patients are happier and they have a lot more visitors.

Baby Boomers Anthems

The Beatles–”I Get By with a Little Help From Depends”
Carly Simon–”You’re So Varicose Vein”
The Bee Gees–”How Can You Mend a Broken Hip”
Roberta Flack–”The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face”
Johnny Nash–”I Can’t See Clearly Now”
Procol Harem–”A Whiter Shade of Hair”


George Carlin on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions.“How old are you?” “I’m four and a half!” You’re never thirty-six and a half. You’re four and a half, going on five! That’s the key.You get into your teens and now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next “How old are you?” “I’m gonna be 16!” You could be 13 but hey, you’re gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life… you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There’s no fun now. You’re just a sour-dumpling. What’s wrong? What’s changed?You BECOME 21, you TURN 30 and then you’re PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes. It’s all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.But wait! You MAKE it to 60. You didn’t think you would!So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.You’ve built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it’s a day-by-day thing. You HIT Wednesday!You get into your 80’s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn’t end there. Into the 90’s, you start going backwards; “I Was JUST 92.”Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. “I’m 100 and a half!”
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

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